Your Struggle is Revealing your Path to Awakening
My path included feelings of unworthiness, that I was a burden, and that I wasn’t good enough. These stemmed from an emotionally/physically abusive relationship I experienced in my early 20’s. I went on to struggle with these heavy feelings of self-doubt and insecurities throughout the relationship and afterward into my mid 20’s. I would attract men into my life that reflected how I felt on the inside, emotionally unavailable. I wasn’t “awake” yet, meaning that I hadn’t stepped into consciousness. Since my ego was operating this human suit that I’m in, I would cast outward blame. I couldn’t see why I was attracting the same kind of man over and over again. I felt like I was “doing the work”, I meditated, I worked out, I journaled. What else could I possibly do?
These frustrations would ebb and flow, I would resist and then accept my reality, sometimes thinking I couldn’t do anything about it. After the toxic relationship, I fell into what I called “a funk” which was actually depression. Depression seemed like a scary word and I was unable to relate to it. After 5-6 months in the darkness, I finally researched a therapist. I had kept the abuse a secret and didn’t want to talk about it to anyone, I was highly ashamed and embarrassed that “a girl like me” found herself in that situation. I suppressed my trauma and tried my best to carry on a normal life.
THROUGH THERAPY, I LEARNED HOW OUR BRAINS TRY TO PROTECT US. MY MIND REFRAMED THE TRAUMA THE BEST IT COULD SO THAT IT COULD SURVIVE AND FEEL SAFE. THIS INTRODUCED ME TO MY EGO.
In all honesty, my struggle was after the relationship. It was when I was alone with my ego. It was in overdrive trying to make sense of my reality, trying to protect me nonstop which left me exhausted, tired, frustrated, and confused.
MY EGO WOULD PULL FROM MY SUBCONSCIOUS AND WOULD PLAY OUT FALSE REALITIES OF MY FUTURE WHICH HAD ME TERRIFIED TO PURSUE MY HEARTS DESIRES, IT HAD ME THINKING THAT I WOULD NEVER FIND A STABLE LOVE, THAT I WOULD NEVER BE TRULY HAPPY, THAT I WOULD NEVER HAVE THE COURAGE TO LEAVE MY JOB AND DO WHAT I TRULY WANTED.
I woke up/stepped into consciousness when I understood how my mind worked. I understood that my brain was doing its best to protect me, but I no longer needed this protection. When I took control of my thoughts instead of operating out of fear, this is when my life began to change.
Going through these trialing times in my life led me to my awakening. That relationship led me to my ultimate freedom. For that, I am grateful. What came on the other side of consciousness was seeing that I was the one who was emotionally unavailable. I had work to do and lots of it. To be transparent… our work never ends. This is the journey of life.
Through deep soul work, meditation, therapy, reading books like The Untethered Soul and A New Earth, mirror work, and so many more mindful practices I understood that I could reroute my path. I became brave and chose to change my life. Currently I am in the healthiest relationship I have ever been in. My partner and I share an equal energy exchange. I became emotionally available through doing my work and learned that everyone I was attracting was a mirror of how I felt on the inside. (mind blown).
“DOING THE WORK” IS GOING TO LOOK DIFFERENT FOR EVERYONE. IT’S IMPORTANT TO START OFF BY KNOWING THAT YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF WHAT YOU THINK. IF YOU LISTEN TO THAT VOICE IN YOUR HEAD YOU WILL SEE THAT YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR THOUGHTS.
Become rooted in mindfulness, you can start to do this by forgiving yourself, becoming aware of your present moment, meditation, radical self-love, connecting to nature, and personal reflection. Begin to build trust with yourself. I do this work with the members of the Mindfulness Challenge.
YOU PICK ONE SMALL DAILY GOAL TO ACHIEVE EVERY DAY. IT CAN BE MEDITATION, JOURNALING, ETC… BY PRACTICING THIS HABIT EACH DAY YOU BEGIN TO BUILD TRUST WITH YOURSELF. YOU SHOW UP FOR YOURSELF AND OVER TIME YOU WILL KNOW THAT YOU CAN RELY ON YOURSELF. START SMALL.
As you step into consciousness you will still meet your ego. This is normal. Your subconscious has been around your entire life and is your biggest protector. Your ego is your “I” from thoughts that are pulled from your subconscious. Get to know it, understand it, even name it. Know that it is not you and that it does not have to dictate how you operate. Be patient with yourself. This work takes time.