Waking Up Anxious

Have you ever woke up and felt like you were living somebody else’s life? I woke up this morning and I realized that there was a long period of time where I would wake up and feel like I was in the wrong place. It was confusing and it felt like I had done something wrong or that something bad was going to happen. My life didn’t feel like mine and I didn’t know what that meant. It was a strong feeling and it went on for about a year.

I would wake up, I would feel off, and my life didn’t feel like it was my own. It felt like it belonged to someone else and I was somehow living it out for them.

As I thought about it this morning, I realized I felt that way because I truly wasn’t living my life for myself, I was living my life for everyone else.

I would feel instant anxiety upon waking, I would have to work to ground myself back into my reality. I meditated and journaled daily to help me, but I was still a ball of anxiety. The feeling would go away after I got my day going but when it was time to wake up again the next morning, the cycle would repeat itself.

I haven’t thought about those mornings until this morning. I woke up to my boyfriend typing away on his computer, I stretched in bed, I responded to comments and told him I loved him, a normal morning for me these days. When I got up and began to make our bed, a flood of memories surfaced from the days when I would wake up anxious and I all I could say was “wow.”

THERE’S NO MORE ANXIETY IN THE MORNINGS, AND HONESTLY, THERE’S NO MORE ANXIETY REALLY AT ALL IN MY LIFE ANYMORE. MY MORNINGS ARE CALM, EASY, ENJOYABLE.

What changed?

I stopped living my life for other people. I fiercely cannonballed into every single one of my fears.

The first fear, being open and vulnerable. I hated it at first, I hated it so much. The thought of letting down my walls to anyone made me roll my eyes, that wasn’t me.

The second fear, resigning from that corporate job with a comfortable 6 fig salary. That was terrifying, but I saved some money and took a chance on myself.

The third fear, moving. Oh how I did not want to leave Denver, but I owed it to myself to go inward. I was craving time alone to focus on my healing and starting my business.

And lastly, allowing myself to love again. My past relationship was pure chaos. With the highest of highs and lowest of lows, emotional and physical abuse, and everything was unpredictable. And then, I met someone and I met someone great. He treats me how I had always hoped to be treated. He’s steady, calm, consistent, stable, and in my humble opinion, pretty dang gorgeous.

THIS MORNING I REALIZED THAT I WOKE UP ANXIOUS SO MANY MORNINGS BECAUSE I WAS LIVING A LIFE THAT WAS OUT OF ALIGNMENT WITH MY AUTHENTIC SELF.

I was living a life of “should’s”. I was following the outline of what other people wanted me to be, not what I truly wanted. What I truly wanted, terrified me. It turns out it’s not all that scary once you’re in it. You figure it out.

YOU MAKE IT WORK AND IF YOU CAN TRULY SURRENDER, YOU’LL SEE THE LIFE YOU WANT TO LIVE IS COMPLETELY POSSIBLE, YOU JUST HAVE TO GIVE YOURSELF THE CHANCE TO LIVE IT.

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1 Comment

  1. desaranjo@gmail.com on January 9, 2020 at 12:59 am

    If I could read this to you on our 1/1, it would be as close to words as I could relate to. The word "Fear" just doesn’t seem to express enough when I say I am afraid of who I really am because I dont know her. Inside I feel that this person who is functioning outside was created by fears & should’s.

    Amazing work, Des.

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